Cardboard love

Relationships today are completely fucked. I’m sorry, but it’s true! If you got in one 12 years ago, maybe, MAYBE, you had a little less chance not to throw your life down the drain.

We are engaged. People keep telling how beautiful we look together and what a mistake it would be for us to be apart.  Everyone thinks we have the ultimate recipe for perfection. Our relationship was never too healthy or happy though. It was rather an example of how meeting your supposed soul mate can turn into hanging in a cage with your biggest enemy. Toxic, and tense and terrible, really, we spent seven months of our lives arguing on MAINLY stupid little things that turned gigantic every other two weeks.

We made mistakes, horrible ones. We wouldn’t apologize until it was too late or too meaningless. At first it was me, then it was him.  We lived our lives in black.

And I sit now, thinking that I craved for this boy’s face, and words and touch for like four months, expecting the worst but hoping for the best. I craved – literally – for everything that he was. Or what I thought he was. We were not the people we hoped we were. Perfection, it’s an exaggeration, but we were far even from peaceful or happy.

I changed a lot and he changed a lot. There is no appreciation, respect or real love involved any more. Not even lust. In my dreams, we are still happy. In our sleep, we still hold each other till our breath stops, we still curl our arms around each others neck. Bodies don’t know our ache and at night they still react to the same chemistry that brought us together. They weren’t scarred, tired, beaten or hurt like the heart has. Waking up gets to be the worst. In the dark, I put my head under his chin and this way, my ear is closer to his beating heart, and I can still hear a very distant “I am yours to keep”.

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