I am done with my graceless heart so tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart

over how style blogs dramatically influence our life, in response to

There was a time when I lived my life anchored in the belief people really live like we see on the fashion and lifestyle blogs, with no worries and no major disappointments. I fancied on that kind of life. A lot. Sometimes i still do. Some other times I realize it’s only what they choose to portray outside of their private life. I’m sure they all have their problems, but they will not put it out there like Alexi Wasser of imboycrazy who just writes everything about all her love life and insecurities on her blog. It’s marketing at some twisted level, and either way it sells people an image they want to feed on. Like romance comedy, like music, like movie stars. It feeds both hopes and frustration. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe they really have both private and public successful life, maybe they found the key to emotional and business balance. But then again, I know real people who are happy and don’t make a great deal in public about this. They keep it low key because they don’t really care so much to show off or they think it’s more important to waste that time together, rather than taking pictures and writing facts in their living room and vacations and putting it online all the time.

When I met my last boyfriend I was sure I will have this kind of life. I was sure we will move together, get along great with parents and friends, work artistic jobs, grow into a hipster artsy family. This was fed by blogs, movies, people I knew on facebook. However, as it was falling apart, I noticed how my view on a happy life and relationship and financial success turned so much different than when I was younger. I built a pattern in my head that grew more diverse every day, it still does sometimes. And it’s harsh, cause it makes me so much more limited than before. When I didn’t actually care who I dated, who were his friends, what was his artistic potential, whether he would inspire me or not, if he was my best friend or just a lover, if he had a place of his own, nice parents, a good job, finances..good looks. It became like a snow ball that still gets larger every time I meet a guy, it’s like scanning everyone looking for those perfect traits of the perfect person with whom I could live the perfect life. It’s exhausting, and most of all, it’s hard to hold back. More than that, I fear I will eventually find that kind of person and get bored/be unhappy with the whole thing. It’s such a huge influence what internet lifestyle blogs pumped in people’s brain and it took me for instance quite a while to be able and not ashamed of putting it into words.

I have a really hard time separating, but, on some other level, it’s easier than before. I know more what I want and what I need. It’s still hard though to dismantle that image of the perfect happy life we built or I built for so long – with a house full of pictures in NY, where I would write from home and be an artist and we’d make a home business and he will travel to work. It bugs me. But i try not to lose my hope in that kind of life. I want to believe it’s realistic and if it’s not, that I will have the power to make it realistic.

Photos by Martha Sarah
Cardigan thanks to Tina R
Boots from ASOS
Coat from thrift
Ripped stockings from intercourse

Advertisements

9 comments

  1. P

    Pina la urma “that kind of life” e tot un ideal mic burghez. Arta din viata de care vorbesti pare mai mult o anexa a unei vieti confortabile. Deci nu e arta, cu alte cuvinte…sper ca ma intelegi.

  2. Pingback: I’ve got the love and I’m loving every bit of it « Ruffles for Breakfast

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s