I used to be strong but you made me so weak

How do you let go of painful memories?
How can you detach from life and time consuming situation?
How do you escape meaningfulness, mistrust, bad judgement and collateral disasters that imprison your mind and make restlessness your life long companion and enemy?
When is it that you can move on and forget?
And if you CAN’T forget, how do you learn to live with the past and not push it all along in your present?

I used to be strong but I grew so weak in the past five years. I am not the same and the worst part is  –  I can’t remember what I was like back then. It all changed – my brain, ego and personality, which of course, it’s NORMAL. I might have learned stuff in the process, but that doesn’t make the bad parts less present, less there. Less scary and less hard to live with. I have a hard time dealing with emotions.

There’s nothing good about getting older-absolutely nothing-because the amount of wisdom and experience you gain is negligible compared to what you lose. You do gain a couple of things-you gain a little bittersweet and sour wisdom from your heartbreaks and failures and things-but what you lose is so catastrophic in every way. – is what Woody Allen told Interview Magazine in 2009. And I couldn’t stand more up to it. I mean, look at us. We meet people. We get involved, we fall in love. Then we fall out or apart and carry on looking for something or someone else. Sometimes by free will, some other times as requested by events. And the worst part is, we don’t ever get better. We are scarred for life, from every romantic mishap or life punch. We get all dramatic and shit because society always points its finger on single people calling them failures, BUT we ARE afraid to get close to anyone, and anyone is not getting any closer to use either cause we’re sending the wrong signal, I guess.

But meanwhile, how are we supposed to feel when everything seems to fall into place without further amendments? How are we supposed to deal with situations and people that could be right for us, yet, we are attracted to all that drama, to all that misery and heart consuming aching that love and life brings when it doesn’t work out. When it’s relentless. When it looks COMPLICATED. That just sounds sick in theory but we always end up doing it in practice. We choose sadness allegedly because it helps us get better, wiser, brighter, more creative or smart and the only way to do it seems to be through it. However, it also makes us poisonous, creepy, cynical, judgemental and uneasy. It makes us run from what’s good, makes us go for the perfect disease.

Though, if sadness is a blessing, how do you live with it?

Photos from ’09



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